Its been a while since I've felt this way. I feel lost. Someone close to me has just lost someone that was close to them. And while I didn't know this person that passed away, it brings back many of the unanswered questions that I have from when Adam died. But hey, I didnt know this person that died, this time it wasnt my best friend and so I have to be the strong one and be there to be leaned on when she needs my help. And I want to help, and that's the hardest part of all, I really want to be there for her, but then her way of dealing with this is by pushing me away. At least that's how it seems at the moment. I know its hard for her, and everyone else involved, I went through it too once, and I realize that this sounds cold, but at the same point; How is grieving going to bring them back? Maybe that's the reason I have so many questions about death, because I don't see the point in grieving, just sweep it under the rug and fucking forget about it. Death doesnt need an answer, just drink more. This might be the reason that  I dont explore the possible answers to all my questions and am left with so many more as a result.... Then there is also the fact that unless i'm happy, or laughing, I really dont like to show the “negative” emotions. They show weakness, but at the same time, am I weak for not being able to show them? Am I hard hearted for not being able to show my emotions thus opening myself up to an emotional assault? Or are emotions for fags and chicks?

I guess what it comes down to is that this person that I care alot about, is treating me the way I treat everyone else when a tragedy hits me. By holing up with the remote and my blanket untill it all goes away. Guess what?  IT FUCKING SUCKS! Then there's the whole factor about the history between K and the family of the deceased. After 5 years am I supposed to take it on faith that there's nothing there anymore? I guess in the back of my mind the question still lingers, does she care as much as I do? But it shouldnt! I would trust her with anything else, I've opened my heart to her, and I believe that she's done the same to me. I just guess that with all the stress that's been going on I just dont know what to do anymore... I need a hobby, My hobby used to be fixing stuff, and now that's my job.

Now the conclusion because I've been writing for long enough, I know that this first edition back is alot about me, myself and I, but really. If I cant do a little soul searching amongst all my quest for the biggest titties online then what's the point in this life? I might as well jump in front of a bus.Things have gone full circle now. Here endeth the lesson.

It has become a source of amusement, frustration, and enlightenment for me thinking about what we seem to deem as correct, or over the line, or culturally taboo. In North American Society, we can see a womans breast's on daytime T.V, Watch a man continually Murder others, and watch “Heroes” kill the “enemy” in the most gruesome and painful way's possible. In many societies, and in our society untill the last century this was considered a cultural taboo. We would not stand to hear someone swear on the radio, and all letter's to the editor of the local paper were correctly worded as to not offend someone and posessed all the formality of writing to the Queen. Then we have all this history behind our society, World wars, Prejudice that our country was based on. I just find it interesting the things that we deem as in apropriate in our day to day lives.

We seem to censor ourselves into a conformity with the rules that no one has yet explained to us. I guess the point that I am trying to make is that just because people get upset when we talk about it, we shouldnt stop talking about it. I think that's the way that we advance in society, by speaking about the things that make us uncomfortable and finding some understanding in all this fucked up shit called life. And what it all really comes down to is that we must do things that make us happy. I'm not saying that we should go and start cutting peoples heads off just because we find enjoyment from it.  I guess I'm saying that we have to find somthing that we are able to find a lasting happiness from. Somthing that will make our lives fulfilling. I started writing this with an angry tone cause i didnt know what i was trying to say. But now that I've had time to just type what was on my mind It's making me realize just what I need to do in life. I'm not saying that all the answers have just been given to me. Its just that i've realized what i think i want from life in the long run... How i'm gonna get there? Who knows.

Today I finally realized that I am tired of this shit. All day long I put up with other peoples shit when really, my life would be a whole lot better if people were to put up with my shit. I've been helping people with their shit for so long now, that I dont even remember how to relieve myself. God this sucks. The other thing is why must everything be so politically correct? Why cant we say burn the jews and eat whitey for breakfast with a side of neigro... COMON PEOPLE GET MAD! That is really the only way that we know we are truly alive, when we are able to feel somthing. When we get to express ourselves and truly have real experiences, that is the only way that we are really living.

Where are you, I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. I need some body and always, this sixth string darkness, comes creeping on, so haunting every time. Truly I am alone, unless someone were to exume me from this personal hell. I am surrounded by people, but I feel alone.

ANyway... on to lighter things.

    -Unknowingly going into the future we go, our only drive is to achieve happiness.

Today I finally realized that I am tired of this shit. All day long I put up with other peoples shit when really, my life would be a whole lot better if people were to put up with my shit. I've been helping people with their shit for so long now, that I dont even remember how to relieve myself. God this sucks. The other thing is why must everything be so politically correct? Why cant we say burn the jews and eat whitey for breakfast with a side of neigro... COMON PEOPLE GET MAD! That is really the only way that we know we are truly alive, when we are able to feel somthing. When we get to express ourselves and truly have real experiences, that is the only way that we are really living.

Where are you, I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. I need some body and always, this sixth string darkness, comes creeping on, so haunting every time. Truly I am alone, unless someone were to exume me from this personal hell. I am surrounded by people, but I feel alone.

ANyway... on to lighter things.

    -Unknowingly going into the future we go, our only drive is to achieve happiness.

Well. Where to begin. How about right here. YOU ALL ARE SORE FUCKING LOSERS!!!! ITS NOT MY FAULT IF YOU CANT BEAT ME AT A GAME OF AXIS AND ALIES!!!! And thats all i have to say about that. Today has been a good day, Pissed off quite a few people, didnt finish everything at work, went for beer, didnt get any school work done. Yep today has been a great day. People are stupid, let me start there, They all have their expectations, and all of these expectations cannot be met at the same time. And yet I am always trying to do so. I dont know why, i just guess that i cant stand the idea of not pleasing people. Lets face it, I still need friends, and if its in my power to do so, i will try to please them all. But at the same time, i refuse to go back on my word. When i say that i'm going to do so, I try and do so. The other thing is when i try to be honest and say that i cant guarantee somthing that i've already said that i was going to do there is not an inch of leeway with some of these individuals. Also extremely unnerving. SO I guess that i just need to find a balance in doing all of these things and i thin kthat i'm finally starting to realize that no matter how hard i try, i am not going to be able to please everyone. Especially when i have groups of friends that dont get along. WORK... At work today there were some unreal expectations placed on me today. And i almost got everything done. I'm going into my 3rd week there, with no previous experience in color matching. I can do all the other aspects of the job like a pro, but i just cant paint. This is somthing that needs improvement, and its one of those things that will only come with time. SO i guess that i will just have to be patient in doing so. Its just that i dont like having to ask for help in doing somthing that everyone else seems to be doing with ease. BEER... NOthing to talk about there... Beer is perfect. And school-- Since i've started this new job, school has really been put on a back burner. I know how much time it does need, i just cant find the motivation to spend that time doing it. Which is really starting to worry me, cause i need to do it.. OR ELSE... anyway, I have to get up in the morning... so i guess i should be heading to bed. Let me know what you think eh?

                                            laters.

                                                    -Michael

Well... Now i have been signed up for a blog. What exactly is a blog? Who will read my blog? What do blogs do? What do blogs eat? And the really important question is what is my blog for, and will i offend anyone with this blog. The next question.... Can i lose this blog if somthing were to happen to the world? I guess only time will tell. For now, I will start with this posting. Let me know what you think.

                -Michael